My husband & I used to be a ministers for a christian church. Then we got fired. We didn't embezzle funds, we didn't have sex with anyone in the youth group, or anyone else beside each other. My husband committed the unpardonable sin of having depression which he was being treated for. Apparently real christians don't have depression. Well, Jesus didn't tell us that. It must be very comforting to know that when you accept Jesus as your personal saviour that any problems you may have will miraculously melt away. Power in the blood, baby. So we were fired. I could have kept my job. The church, which is a huge wealthy cooperation, would have provided an apartment for my children & I, a vehicle & employment as long as my husband was not a part of the equation. How biblical. I took about 30 seconds to think on it.
So, I left in 2007. I didn't want to leave. It was not my choice. I lost my job, my home & my vehicle. My family split up in 3 different ways. My daughter was 19 & went to live with a friend. My husband went to live with his parents. My 11 year old son & I ended up in Massachusetts in an empty apartment. I didn't have any furniture, dishes, blankets, towels. We had our clothes & that was it. It was a surreal experience, walking around this 3 bedroom apartment filled with ourselves & 2 suitcases of clothes. A friend lent us sleeping bags so we slept on the floor. Another friend gathered donations of dishes & some furniture. I found a job & my mother helped me buy a used car. I was grateful.
As time passed, I realized that it was the hierarchy of the of the church we belonged to that did this. They didn't even attend our church. They were located over 40 miles away.They said they loved us & prayed about this. How strange. I can't think of anything more cruel to do to a family except to kill them. But they prayed about it so I guess that makes it alright.
The people in our church were sad to see us go. They cared & cried for us.
I tried to continue in christianity for a while. The death of christian faith for me happened at a prayer meeting. The holy people were wailing and crying in ecstasy. My son & I kept looking at each other. He asked me why were they acting like this. They were really pouring it on. When I was a teenager I went to a party where they were showing a porno movie. If I closed my eyes this prayer meeting sounded like that! The moaning & 'o god!' cries. I racked my brain trying to find a biblical explanation for my son. I couldn't find one. When the holy rollers were finished they required a recovery period. Just like after great sex. "Could you just feel the holy spirit?", I was asked. "Oh, yea I felt the spirit alright but it wasn't holy." I came to the realization, it was just for show. It was all an act. I was done. I didn't believe anymore. It was fake. A world wide deception where appearance was everything. I never went back. That was over 2 years ago.
My journey into Paganism began. I felt real freedom in Paganism. The Divine is in me. I don't need to act a certain way, just be myself. My Gods don't need my money or my academy award winning performance about how perfect my life is. I don't need to humble myself before a god and say I am scum with out you. I'm not going to hell. I don't have to adhere to anything that feels wrong to me. I am my best moral compass. I feel sorry for christians. They have to work really hard to maintain the illusion.
By the way my family came back together again at the end of 2007. My husband found a better job, we bought a house together. My daughter is getting married to a wonderful man in the military. My son graduated high school & is preparing for college. My husband & I are very much in love. We are happy & blessed. I don't miss chrisianity at all. Blessed Be!
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